I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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