Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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