Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
