I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
