I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
