God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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