Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
