he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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