Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
