I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
