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why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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