i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
