a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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