So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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