Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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