Hey man sorry I got all grabby
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
