last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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