A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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