Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
