So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
