Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I did not marry a roomba.
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