it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
