i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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