i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
