Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
