i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
