Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
