she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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