Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
