I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
