So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
