Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
