I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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