his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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