he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
