by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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