I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize