I don't usually arrange sex via text message
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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