I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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