The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
