I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
