you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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