Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
