do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
