uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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