She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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