Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
