you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
