It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
