Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
