allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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