textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize