Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sarcasm needs its own font
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
