Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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