Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
