I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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