I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
