I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
