I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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