Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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